If indeed there’s such a thing as ‘dying too soon,’ then there has to be a ‘dying too late.’ I’m not referring to dying at a rotten old age of 129. Neither am I talking about a deplorable character that just won’t die. It’s all about picking the right spot, it’s all about timing. Thou shalt not die 2 days before News Years day. Unless you’re Chinese. An adherent of the Julian calendar has an obligation to be respectful about the timing of his own demise. All the obituaries have been written at this time, all the “In Memoriam’ lists have already been published in the final Sunday paper of the year. Right now, people are looking forward to a new year, and your death could easily be overlooked. ‘If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one to hear it, does it make a sound?’ No. Nobody heard you die.
Apart from the final Sunday paper being in circulation (this year at least), many are dealing with either the financial aftermath or the fall-out from their indulgences over xmas or the holidays (whatever the religious persuasion). So for Christ’s sake don’t die now. Christ is only a few days old. Many are also placing bets on the first baby born in the New Year and don’t want to hear about death.
So, if dying now is wrong, dying in December is also wrong. It spoils the holiday mood. The best time is early in the year, but not too early as the year is still a baby emotionally. For simplicity, pick an ‘A’ month. August, the tragedy month, is already crowded with deaths so pick April by default. It’s early enough, and at the end of the year, people will be forced to remember you. They’ll hit your name early as they go month by month and it’ll be well before the August rush which tends to take a toll on everyone. While you’re at it, why not the 1st? That’ll get your friends talking. “Really? Are you sure it’s not an April Fools joke?” The mixed emotions will go a long way in helping them through the grieving process. It’s important to be considerate of others in your death.
If April 1st falls on an Easter weekend, or within 5 days, then you’ll have to pick a different month. Trust me, you do not want to get into a pissing contest with Jesus Christ. The next month in the alphabet is February (we agreed not to die in December). To hell with the fictitious St. Valentine, die on the 14th. That way you can challenge your friends: should they buy a bouquet or a wreath.
Don’t die in July unless you want to piss off Julius Caesar. And it’s also too soon to die.
